You can call me DR labradorknitter

I made it, I travelled to Manchester last night and I passed my viva, i.e. I discussed my doctoral thesis and now I am officially a dr! Well I have to say that it wasn't easy, it took about three hours for the examiners to go through my thesis chapters and I had to fight to defend my points. Diabetes wasn't much of an issue, as I deliberately decide to "run high". When I told this to my supervisor, he actually though that high bg sugars were a bit like caffeine. I guess he's not so much mistaken, as I don't feel sick around 12s, only "hyper", whereas sometimes before perceiving a hypo I feel sleepy, especially in the evening. I am really happy for achieving all this. I was diagnosed with diabetes during my last year of the PhD and I fought hard not to be taken over by it and not having to postpone it's conclusion. Today I can really say that I deserved this achievement, not because I sacrificed 4 years of my life to do it, but because I didn't let diabetes change my plans. Now you can certainly call me dr labradorknitter

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

I'm back!

I wrote my last post about two months ago. Actually, for the last two months I have actually disappeared from any possible social network, from Facebook (who cares) to Diabetessupport (I miss it so much), using Twitter every so often but less and less. Well, this wasn't planned, but it just happened. A 190miles move down south from Manchester to Cambridge and a new (should I say first?) job immediately after my PhD have actually managed to kill me. I feel I am only starting to recover, but then, I have my thesis viva next week, so at the moment I am re-reading my thesis in the evenings. As if I could really focus.

I literally love my new job, it's what I have always wanted, working on something important and challenging (but that's for another blog post). On the downside, it's not in Cambridge, and I spend about two hours a day travelling. Plus, if at the start I thought I could simply work 9-5, well then I was very much mistaken, as I have already spent very many nights trying to finish the tasks I've been assigned. Somehow I hadn't foreseen that moving to a different research field would have been so hard...

And in the meantime, my D-me behaved so nicely, telling me in a nice way that it was time to start exercising again by spiking after lunch time. Which wasn't too bad, considered I over indulged, especially in August. Now it seems things are back on track, with me fighting against my hypos and my unsteady BG levels that strangely tend to be on the low side during the day, except after lunch, where they always fluctuate around 10s.

One of the best things I've done was to buy an iphone. Not for the stupid apps that -of course- I have installed, but for the most useful thing in the world: a diabetes diary. I have already mentioned I am so bad at keeping a diary, especially because the ones I have are so tiny you can't write a thing. No, I am really happy with this Diabetes diary. I am finally managing to write down my insulin, food, and BG levels. I also bought an app for blogging, hoping that this blog becomes more of a routine for me. Fingers crossed!

Only 4 days left now!

Just a quick post to say that I feel like I am going mad. I am planning to bind my thesis this thursday and submit it on friday. I cannot believe this is the end. Still I have a trillion of things to change in my thesis and I expect these days to be the worse ones. I'm finally going to see my physician on Friday. I really want to know my HbA1c, especially because I did my last one in March, and lots of things have changed in the last few months. Besides that, I hope my physician has someone to recommend me now that I am moving to Cambridge. I am scared of  just being followed by a GP. As a foreigner, I cannot get completely used to all this "GP power", and apparently things are going to be even worse.  My previous experiences with them weren't that great.  Actually, my current GP knows nothing about diabetes, and I am really looking forward to get a new one.
Well, next post will be after my submission. Wish me good luck!

To record or not to record my D-life

I am a research scientist and I work with computers all the time. Despite this, I still enjoy reading on real paper rather than from my computer screen. When it comes to keep track of my D life, that is  BG/insulin/carb count/activity, I think of myself at a dead end. There is no diary or computer program that can keep track of it, so I end up writing up everything by hand, in a sort of diary.  I've actually found one program that I like but I can't manage to make it read  data from my meter, so I abandoned it. 

Does anyone else feel frustrated when it comes to keep track of these things?  I have  installed Glucofact deluxe on my mac today (yes, it's finally available on Bayer's website). I cannot say that I like it, but it is quicker than the built-in program on my Contour USB. 

What I'd really like, is a program that keeps track of everything, prints data in different ways (only certain times of the day, and without taking about 500 printed pages to display your  monthly results), let you write down you carb intake, insulin intake, time, exercise, notes, and possibly have a carb counter where I can add the things I usual eat.  That's because I cannot fit all this information in the tiny diaries that are usually given to us. I cannot even communicate it to the nurses or my doctor, as the data is not organised at all. I know the answer to this, I am gonna have to write the program myself...
Said that, I am totally confused by my BG readings. It looks like I hypo before lunch even if I inject only 1u per 25g  of carbs, and now my main meal units make me hypo at about 17:30. So now I have changed to  Breakfast: 1u/35 CHO Lunch: 4u/60 CHO and Dinner: 5u/CHO, and of course 3u of Lantus at night. For a total of 10u of bolus insulin and 3u of basal insulin. These numbers sound really odd to me. Far from the start when according to my previous physician (luckily I am in the UK now) I could cope with 5u of Lantus, strict diet  and lots and lots of exercise. I suspect I need more insulin because I am super stressed because of my writing up...  What makes me worry about my numbers are the peaks I would get with little levels of insulin... It doesn't sound right to me that I have to reduce the insulin carb ratio so much to cope with pre-meal hypos. Isn't it better then to increase the basal again  and reduce the bolus accordingly?  Oh this is a constant fight... 

Long Time No Blog

I admit that I have been busier than usual lately. Thing that seems almost impossible, but is true. I have been trying hard not to get distracted and finish my literature review. Well I might say I am in the process of finishing it, and probably I won’t blog again till I have finished it. I’ve only got one month left to hand in my thesis and finally say goodbye to my student life. It was about time! I’m here, squeezing as much as possible my tiny brain, ready to start a new (more human this time) adventure along the river Cam. What I am mostly looking forward to is not my new job, but the chance of gaining back my life. I want my spare time back. It’s been about 4 years that I have been waiting for that, and with a little more sacrifice, I will put an end to the painful process of getting a PhD.

I am happy to say that the house hunting was succesfull, we found a house!!! I can’t wait move there for good. During the days I was in Cambridge my BG behaved well enough, despite an after meal scone with jam and bread and jam for breakfast... so I am happy!

Anyway, I am here with the same stupid problem of hypoing before lunch and dinner. I'm really looking forward to see my physician now. I feel I don't have any support at all... I don’t really know what to do anymore about it. I cannot lower the basal insulin but I cannot lower the bolus one too much as I get high readings. Am I at a dead end? Please pancreas of mine, what are you doing? Are you trying to give your little contribution too? Please, keep your efforts for worse days. I need you to work little by little as I don’t want to run out of insulin soon!

My first birthday (with Ms Insulin)

My first birthday with insulin hasn't been that bad. Honestly, my birthday was just the right excuse to indulge on something I usually don't eat everyday, that is homemade cake but more importantly marmelade on toast!!! If I had to choose something to eat for breakfast, well that would be marmelade and jam on toast. No butter please. Just the bitter sweet taste on  nice homemade bread. 

On monday night I baked one of my favourite sponge cake -- just realising how fatty and how sugary that recipe is. I think it's around 80 CHO (8 CP) per 100g, and 50g was a tiny piece, as the cake didn't rise properly. 

So finally after more than 2 years I ate cake and marmalade on toast. That was awesome. I should mention that in Italy breakfast always involves sweet cakes. And moka coffee of course! I also attempted a quick carb count of about 80CHO covered with 5u of Apidra. And it went well too. 

Maybe I shold try a bit more often than once a year? 

As a birthday treat I also went to see the DNS nurses to have an opinion on my new insulin medication. Apparently they agreed on my 3u of Lantus by looking at my BG records. As usual, they are very happy with my measurements, if it wasn't for those pre-meal hypos that since I am on 3u of Lantus I only get before lunch ( at least, I'm not getting them before dinner anymore). I came home with the suggestion of covering my breakfast with 1u of insulin rather than 2. If last week I had only 2 very mild hypos, this week I have already had 2 proper hypos around 3 (2 out of 2 days). The weird thing is that I am not feeling them, so I am very surprised when I measure them.  I really hope these are going to stop at some point. 

This evening I am off to Cambridge for our house hunting. If everything goes well we should be back on friday night with a house booked. Wish me luck! 

Lunch time or Hypo time?

And it has happened again, for no reason this time. It seems like no matter how much I lower my basal insulin, I get hypos before lunch. The weird thing is that I was feeling OK! In the last few months I wasn't feeling the hypos until my BG levels were below 3, but at least I could feel I was becoming weaker.
Last week I had 2 mild hypos, both before lunch and both near to 4. I assumed they were caused by spending too much time  in the shower after breakfast. Both days I had washed my hair, and this takes  an infinite extra amount of time. I simply assumed that the insulin in my tummy was being absorbed faster. But today? No weakness at all, just a mere 3.1? Any suggestion? Maybe I need to change my insulin/carb ratio in the morning. I'll try to eat a bit more, but it looks like a visit to the nurses is becoming inevitable!

Maxdog Monday

This is CICO my first dog. We believe him be a poodle/italian pomeranian cross. This picture was taken about 5 years ago.  He's now 15 going for 16 and he's still a bundle of energy, although  a bit deaf, blind, and with a hairless tail:

I have to admit he's a very well educated dog. In fact,  we studied together  in high school and in uni!

Now that he's retired, he prefers spending his time on his favourite armchair, from where he can follow any food movement in the kitchen...

I miss him so much...

Updates on thesis + house hunting + BG levels

Apologies for disappearing... but recently I have been trying to focus on my endless thesis during the day, and I've spent all my evenings looking at houses to rent.

Thesis-wise  things seem to have improved a lot, especially after a 4 hour meeting with my supervisor, on a Saturday. Things are looking good, at least now everything seems to make more sense. It might sound strange, but after 4 years spent researching, I could hardly see the "big picture". But everyone I know that got a PhD told me this is normal. As my supervisor told me at the beginning of my PhD, "if a PhD was easy, you wouldn't need 3-4 years to complete one". As long as I get one in the end, I don't mind much.

We're going down to Cambridge for viewings on Wednesday and hopefully we should be back by friday night. We have already 8 viewings arranged and another 4 would be good. I've decided not to bring work with me. I don't think I would have any time, and the option of carrying a laptop with me all the time does not appeal me anymore. I am very picky when it comes to houses, so I am glad that we haven't got enough time to spend on this... or it would turn to be an endless search.
We are going to stay in a B&B nearby the area we are wanting to move, so it'll be nice to have a glance at what's next. With the thesis writing I haven't had much time to think or be excited about it!

It's been a week now that I have lowered my Lantus to 3u, and I can say that the unexpected hypos and all the lows that I was feeling (regularly) before meals have disappeared. My measurements are also showing that my BG are stable around 4-5mmol after 4 hours I have eaten, which I guess it's good! What was worrying me most was that I was already developing some hypo unawareness, and honestly, I didn't really like feeling weak just before a meal...
Of course I've had to increase the basal insulin, so now I inject about 1u per 12g of carbs, for an average of 12u of bolus and 3u of basal units a day. A huge difference from when I started, when I was doing a 7u of rapid and 5u of basal insulin. Anyway, I feel like I should let my nurses know next week and see if  they agree this is the best solution for now. I suspect they'll be giggling as usual for my tiny insulin requirement ("baby amounts", that's what they say). Does anyone else get this kind of response from them? They're really nice and helpful, I really have no complaints about them but a very good opinion. Sometimes I do feel like they're not taking me seriously, though!

Maxdog Monday

Did I ever mention that I love dogs? Anyway that's not the point.  Today I want to write something about rescue dogs.  For about a year I've been volunteering for a rescue centre, Manchester & Cheshire Dogs' Home. Without being biased, I have to say that they do a lot for unwanted and stray dogs.  They have been taking in dogs for over 100 years, and the people who work there really care for them. They have a strict policy about euthanising dogs, they put to sleep only terminally ill dogs. Since I've been there I have seen dogs of any shape, age, health, all being treated with equal dignity. I've seen dogs with tumors being rehomed, and once I also had the chance to rehome a three legged dog.

I started as a dog walker, but soon I got trapped in fundraising and matchmaking. The last one was the one I loved most, it consisted of helping people to find the right dog. I did matchmaking for about a year,  two weekend days a month.  I would describe my personal experience as sad and happy at the same time. Sad, because I had to be there in the kennels and watch the dogs behind the cages. Once I came across a dog whose resemblance with my dog Luna was so striking that I really felt that was too much. But every time I tried to remind myself that I was there for the best, and that every dog was going to be rehomed at last.

I got attached to some of them, especially those that were there for more than a month, but it was still nice to see them going to a new home, especially if they were old dogs. I had to stop at the end of february because I didn't have much spare time with the thesis writing up. Plus the management of bolus insulin, which I had started properly at the end of January, didn't help either.  I still have nice memories and I think that as soon as I move to Cambridge, I'll try to find another rescue centre and get  back to volunteering. Before this experience I would have never imagine that so many people would spend their spare time trying to help unwanted and stray dogs. This is one of the things I like about the UK, and that are totally different in Italy. In general here people care a lot more about pets, and I assure you that on average their lives are much happier here, than in Italy, where most dogs are confined to their gardens for their whole lives.

Sooner of After...

... I knew this would have happened!


It's a relatively nice Sunday here in Manchester (it usually rains at weekends, no matter what season we're in) and I am stuck in my office, working on my thesis for at least the next 6-7 hours.

I am also in the middle of an insulin adjustment period, and what am I seeing here? There are only 2 test strips in my meter wallet. How could this happen? Answer: because I am going mad writing my thesis.  I cannot even go back home, as it would take an hour to go and come back... I definitely don't like this. One day I forget my Lantus injection, another day I forget my Apidra pen when dining out. What's next?

It's been a long long week

Apologies for not posting this week, but life has been so hectic recently that I've had to spend all my time on thesis writing for the last few days.

I've decided that every monday's post will be on dogs.  In memory of dear Maxdog I've decided to call these posts "Maxdog Mondays". This will give me the opportunity of blogging about what I love most... that is dogs!

Said that, this week I've finally had a chat with my DSN dietitian. Unfortunately the new job as well as the rush to write up my dissertation won't let me attend any DAFNE course. Plus the next appointment with my physician is at the end of July (from last March). All in all my record diary is quite good, if it wasn't for those unexpected hypos which usually happen before lunch and dinner.  The dietitian thinks it's the basal insulin, as I tend to have huge gaps (about 6 hours) between main meals and bolus insulin should be gone and forgotten by then.  Since she runs the DAFNE course, she doesn't think I must depend on  the  in-between-meals-snacks to avoid these hypos... anyway she could not suggest me to change my basal insulin as she is a specialised dietitian and not the diabetic nurse there.

Last April the diabetic nurse reduced my basal insulin by one unit for the same reason... so two days ago I decided to take some action and reduce  the basal insulin by another unit. I've never done proper tests to check if I was injecting the correct amount of basal insulin. It's really frustrating as my morning values are within range (between 4-6mmol) but I really want to find out if the hypos are caused by too much Lantus. To understand what's really going on I decided to measure my sugar levels at 2-3 am.
So far I have been unlucky in doing that, as one day I went running so the dinner bolus was unusual, and yesterday I had a pizza, so in both cases I woke up with very high levels at night (about 10-11mmol). Tonight I am hoping to have a less fatty meal and to find different values... otherwise I'll go and see the DNS nurse next week.

I did get a good thing out of this though. I've found out that pizza makes my BG levels spike a lot later than two hours. I knew this could be the case, but I had never done a 4 hours late measurement, as I tend to eat pizzas at night. And as every  Italian, I tend to have dinner very late, and go to bed soon after. I don't think I'll stop having pizza but I'll try maybe to inject a bit before and a bit after I've eaten, and see if I can manage this way.

On wednesday I (finally) went to Cambridge. It's weird how I managed to get a job nearby and accept it without visiting the place. I have to admit I really like it, although I was there for only 2 hours. The rest of the day was spent driving (3+3 hours to go and come back) and sitting in the car while waiting for my partner to be done with a job interview (3 hours). I even managed to work for a bit while waiting, but after driving for 170 miles to get there, I wasn't that focussed!  I wonder if living there will be nicer than being in Manchester - in any case I'm all for a change. The drama will be finding a house, as I really get stressed out by estate agents. I already imagine them phoning while we're driving there and apologising they cannot make the appointment. We don't even have time to stay there for a couple of days, so this time is going to be really difficult.
Despite this, I am really looking forward to the change, which not only will mean that I will be done with this thesis, but that I'll finally have my life back and I'll be starting my first job.  Only two months to go!

To Maxdog

Today's post has nothing to do with diabetes, I apologise for that, but I'm writing about something I really care about, so I think it's worth giving a go. 

I am a dog person. I love dogs. I was only 15 when my first dog Cico (a pomeranian poodle cross) entered into my life. By then little did I know how important these furry friends are to me. That was 15 years  ago, and now I know that I would never be completely happy without a dog by my side. Five years ago it was Luna's turn to get into my life. She is an enormous Labrador cross, and I love her to bits. That's how I got into labs. It's been  nearly 4 years now that I moved to the UK to complete my postgraduate studies, and since then I have been "pet orphan".  I can say that living in rented accommodation  is definitely not for pet lovers.

I've aways wondered why people are so interested in blogging. For years I've tried to keep one but with little success. In fact, I would not write more than one or two post, for then dropping it. Maybe it was the language barrier, as I am not an English native speaker, or maybe I was just addressing the wrong topic.  I have never been interested in following the very few friend blogs, as they would blog once a month. Not enough to keep me interested I think.

So all this blog thing  started with Bondi & Munson's blog. I've been following it for at least two years now, and honestly I cannot recollect how did I find it in the first place. One day I decided to set up a google reader page, as I wanted to be notified by posts. This reader has a nice button that let's you find similar blogs. And that's how it all started. It was Maxdog's blog  and many many others... in a couple of days the number of dogblogs I was following grew exponentially. Dog blogs are amazing, they lead you step by step into their dog lives to a point that I feel like I know these dogs for real. Soon I wanted to interact with them as I cared and I felt I had something to say.  

How about writing my own dog blog? There's only one small problem: I don't have a dog, and I don't think I'll have one for many years to come. Although this is one of the things I miss most since I moved to the UK, I think it would be too selfish of me to get a dog  then leave him at home alone all day.   

Today's post is about Maxdog, who has crossed the rainbow bridge today. Maxdog was a great golden retriever who lived with his family in South Africa. About 106 days ago he was diagnosed with a big liver tumour. Since then  he has been fighting his battle against this tumour. 

The thing is, he was not alone. The dog blog community has supported him from the very start. For Valentine's day, he was the guest in a unique world tour through his blog friends all over the world: 

 MAX's Valentine's day "MaxSURPRISE!" But that wasn't all! His cyber buddies were involved in the Maxter piece project, where they commissioned a nice portrait of him for his mum. 

Until the very end Maxdog has showed great courage and has enjoyed every single day of his life as if there was no end. Unfortunately his condition was debilitating him too much, so now he is pain free, chasing squirrels and what else with his pal Digby, and all our beloved pets. I will never forget how his mum has been so generous to share with us  the last few moments of his life. I am sure he has lived the life of a king, and he will be very much missed. Even if I didn't  know him,  I'll miss him too.

D-blogging and First times

The DOC community is something really new to me. My unconditional love for dogs has led me following the dog blog community for ages, but only last week I have seemed to realised that the Diabetes community is quite active. I am a Mac user and I really can't stand Windows. Last week I felt I had enough with this Windows supremacy in Diabetes software, and I decided to look for the Contour USB. After all it uses the same strips I get on prescription, so why not. I then started looking for some reviews, and guess what, I found the D-blog network which was hosting the Diabetes Blog Week
http://bittersweet-karen.blogspot.com/2010/05/so-i-have-this-idea.html

Well I was amazed, as I don't know any diabetic people here, and I feel like I cannot speak to anyone without boring them to death (except my partner, I've already bored him but he likes being bored). While I try not to make diabetes affect my life too much I basically feel alone. And then there's this other opportunity of the Bureaux Carnival, which will be hosted by http://clickofthelight.blogspot.com/ (and which I missed) on the theme "My first day", which is about first experiences about diabetes.

Now, this is my first blog day and I do not know anyone yet. But I think it'd be a good exercise for me to remember these  important steps which otherwise will be forgotten.


The first hypo I can remember. I was 18 and I was in high school. At that time I didn't know they were hypos, my GP kept saying it was just low pressure problems. Anyway, I can remember that I had an English class, and that the teacher was about to examine some of us when I start feeling the usual symptoms... feeling hot and then shaky. I asked if I could go out since I wasn't feeling OK. At first she didn't believe me, thinking I was just wanting to avoid the test. I insisted. i went out of the class,  bought a kit kat  (who knew about simple carbs then). I still have this very clear picture in my mind, of me sitting on the toilet floor eating and waiting for it to pass.

The first time I had to prick myself. That was before my diagnosis as well. I was monitoring my BG because a doctor I consulted (not an endocrinologist) wanted to make sure I was having real hypos. It was the day after christmas, sometime before lunch. And I remember the value of 126 (7mL/mmol), on a Glucolog (Italian) meter. It was easier than I thought.

The first time I have had to inject. It was last december. I have always been scared  of needles. Plus, I wasn't expecting it.   The nurse showed me the pen and then said: "now you try on your tummy by yourself". And I said: "what? An injection without insulin?" Yes that was possible. Memories of my grandma injecting with long needles were passing on my mind.  I was about to cry and my heart was beating fast.  and my hand was so shaky, but in the end it wasn't painful as I expected.

The first time I forgot to take my injection. After a long day spent working on my dissertation I took some valeriana pills after dinner so that they cold help me sleeping. Lantus? What is Lantus? That was my first thought when I woke up the day after. I open my diabetes bible book and I injected half my dose. And got lots of hypos for many  days after.

The first time I dined out with insulin. That was in Pizza Express, as we usually buy their pizzas at the supermarket and I kind of knew more or less how much to inject. I didn't eat any starters and nearly got a hypo while waiting for a pizza. As soon as the pizzas arrived I run off the toilet that was so far aways, and then ate. This was a very important date, as I like dining out and somehow I was  scared of managing the insulin when being out.

The first time I dined out and I forgot to bring my insulin pen with me. That was just 2 weeks ago. We went for a fancy burger at GBK. We ordered, waited, and when the burger came I went to the toilet for my injection. I opened the insulin case, which I had filled with few needles before going out, just in case you know... and then surprise surprise, the insulin pen was still waiting in my kitchen worktop!  My partner had to explain the situation to the staff and they kindly  wrapped everything for us and we went home. What an idiot I was, especially because our flat was only 10 minutes away, and if I had noticed earlier, I would have managed to go home and get back before the burgers were served. That was also the first time I was pitied by someone I din't know, and I didn't like one bit of it.
The waitress was trying to be supportive and said something like "It must be very difficult to cope with it all the time". Helpful and all, that was a nice thing to say, but not to be listened to.

And finally, the first time I dined out, did a good carb count and had chinese food! I haven't had time to attend a DAFNE course about insulin dosage, and with the new job, I don't even know when I'll find time for it. Although it required me to inject insulin in two times, it went really well and I felt much more confident afterwards.

It's now or never

I think this is the right time for me to start blogging. In the past few days I have just  been getting more and more upset until yesterday my unhappiness was hardly bearable.  I guess it is not just diabetes, but it’s a mixture of being extremely tired, missing my dogs so badly, and of course, the diabetes.  

It's now or never -- I feel like I need to talk about my diabetic life, or I am going to explode. 

It’s a bit more than a  year now that I’ve been diagnosed with diabetes type 1, and I still struggle to cope with people at work. This used to be true before the diabetes, but now is getting more and more difficult. I am a PhD student in Computer Science, and at the moment I am writing up my dissertation. I have only two months left to finish, as in August I am starting a new job. This means that every single day -- Monday to Sunday-- I am in my office at least 9 to 6. For a year I have been sharing an open space with about 20 other students. After 4 years of PhD, I really believe that computer science tends to attract uncommon personalities -- me included, but that’s another story! 

Now, here’s the problem. There is one office mate that is very friendly but totally childlike,  as if he cannot distinguish between good and  bad. He doesn’t seem to be wanting to be mean, but he easily hurts people. 

In a way he hurts me as well, as he talks of my diabetes as a joke.  Not so long ago he used to bring back to the office  desserts from the refectory. Every single day he used to stop at my desk and  show me these desserts, and say how nice they were, and that I had to eat one as well. That was in a period of my diabetes where  I was managing without insulin -- I had a very early diagnosis, or maybe it's a LADA -- so I was following a very strict diet with no treats at all. My reaction was then to ignore him completely, even if we were sharing  a partition.  I started talking to him again when a new office mate joined our partition, but things haven't changed much. I cannot recall how many times I have explained him how things work and how my life has changed. Nothing, now that the weather is getting nicer, he keeps asking  me if I want to get ice cream. He still gets so excited when I measure my BG, and says it's unbelievable that I prick my fingers every day. He's even asked me to see how I do my injections (of course I did say no),  but what I can’t stand is the tone of  his voice.  

I know he means well, but how much does he hurts me, he doesn’t know.  It’s as if he is a living reminder of my diabetes.  But it's not what he says, it's how he says it that really hurts me. Everything is a joke, everything is not real, as if I'm doing what I do just to amuse him. I know this is so stupid from me and that I shouldn't care about what he says, but it's not that easy yet. Not everyday. Every step forward I make, I do a step backward.